Ridiculous Fic
by Kjb2609
Summary: A collection of pieces, ranging in size, content and continuity, that are filed under my #ridiculous fic 2k15 or #ridiculous fic 2k16 tumblr tag. With all the damp pirates, ships in bottles, sassy queens of darkness and general CS happiness, silly things happen sometimes. Set in Season 4B and beyond
1. Man Flu

**A/N: The damp Killian scenes in Poor Unfortunate Souls did inspire some concern about Killian's health. And you just know he would be a high maintenance patient.**

She knew there was going to be trouble when the sniffling started. His unplanned dip in the harbour and his subsequent adventures, hair and clothes still dripping, had come to their only logical conclusion.

Killian Jones had a cold.

(If she'd known, she wouldn't have been so quick to throw an admiring glance his way when he was wet - no doubt a good look for him - because he NEVER missed that stuff. The vain idiot probably resisted towelling off for hours, knowing he looked good damp.)

She had given him an aspirin and sent him home with Kleenex and orders to keep hydrated - water, not rum - and promised to check on him the next day.

Her message tone sounded before she had even got out of bed next morning.

**KILLIAN: I am done for, Swan. This plague will best me.**

So, a typically understated response then. She shook her head as she sent back her reply.

**EMMA: You have a cold, Killian. It's not usually fatal.**

**KILLIAN: A common virus would be no match for me. I am gravely ill.**

She sighed heavily and let him know she would be there as soon as she could.

She met Mr Smee on the docks. His face was clouded with concern and he carried a brown paper bag under his arm.

"Miss Swan, the Captain called me and said he needed me urgently. Is he all right? He implied he was gravely ill."

Emma had a flash of how these things may have worked in the Enchanted Forest, and just who may have done the hand patting and brow cooling when the fearsome Captain Hook was a little under the weather. Nothing like a nursemaid you could order about.

Well we are not in the Enchanted Forest any more, buddy, she thought. This was going to take a woman's touch.

"He is fine, Smee, he just has a cold. You go, I'll take care of him." Smee looked anxious, 300 years of following orders a hard thing to change. Emma put a hand on his arm and looked at him reassuringly.

"Seriously, it will be fine. I'll let you know if he needs you."

The first mate nodded and made to scurry away. Emma called him back.

"Hold on. What's in the bag?"

The man had the good grace to look a bit sheepish, but tried to pass off the bag as his own.

"Hand it over," she commanded, and pulled a bottle of rum out of the brown paper. She shook her head at the pirate, who shrugged his shoulders in defeat and took the opportunity to make his escape.

Typical, she thought to herself as she looked at the bottle. Although she suspected she might need a stiff drink before too long.

She heard a slightly strained voice call out as she made her way towards his cabin.

"About bloody time, Smee, Swan will..."

He stopped as he realised the legs descending the ladder were definitely NOT those of his first mate.

"Not Smee." She stated with a raised eyebrow. He fixed his face briefly into the expression she thought of as "sorry but look how dashing I am" - she was not going to let on that it was an effective choice - and then resettled himself under his blanket, face pale and eyes puffy.

She took pity on him and leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead. He was slightly warm and clammy, nothing too serious.

"How are you feeling after some sleep?" she asked. Honestly, he took pitiful to a whole new level and she was hating herself for letting it work.

He smiled wanly. "Marginally improved, love. Though rum might speed the healing process?"

"Only for me," she quipped and waved the contraband alcohol at him. "Luckily I have a bottle! Don't tempt me to start at this time of the morning."

She sat on the edge of his bed, and took a deep breath.

"All right," she sighed. "I am giving you half a day to have man-flu. Then it's back to the land of the living."


	2. Retire the Dragon

**A/N: I don't know. Uptown Funk was stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out.**

The bottomless martini glasses had been given quite a work out. It was a clever enchantment of Maleficent's, for after all, what was the point of being a Queen of Darkness if you couldn't work in a few perks.

"Bloody heroes," bemoaned Cruella, her words just slightly slurred," All self righteous and judgemental when they have plenty of secrets in those high and mighty family closets."

"They're all villains, blah, blah, blah." Ursula was getting into the swing of the pity party," Everything they do is wrong." At that she rolled her eyes and clicked her fingers to refill her glass.

"You know what is wrong?" Cruella drawled, eyes sparkling with a combination of gin and lust, "Those bloody leather pants. How does a man with an arse that sinful fight on the side of good?"

Ursula shook her head. "Bastard," she spat, and drained her martini glass in one go. "Fucking sexy bastard."

From the comfortable chair in the corner, Maleficent leaned forward, taking a slow slip of her drink. She breathed out slowly and deliberately and spoke in a voice that was decidedly unlike her usual regal tone.

"That man is so hot, he would make a dragon want to retire."

Cruella's glass hit the floor as she cackled in response. "Too true, darling, too true."


	3. Carefully Careless

A/N: With all the images of damp Killian in 4x15, the wet hair look was inevitable...

She wasn't quite sure when she first noticed the change. Never one to leave his hair to chance - that tousled bed head was definitely assisted along each morning - she was so used to his carefully careless style that the change wasn't initially obvious.

But while his phone and the Internet clearly remained a challenge, he had definitely mastered the hair care aisle at the drug store. When she discovered the stash of gel and mousse hidden in the back of the bathroom cabinet, it became abundantly clear what was happening.

She was not certain who had complimented him on the wet look suiting him. But he had clearly taken it to heart.

Damn. She would never get first run at the bathroom mirror again.


	4. hero of Choice

**A/N: A headcanon of mine. I just think Killian would love StarLord**

She should have seen it coming...

Henry had been pushing for a Marvel Movie Marathon for a while and when a wet weekend presented itself the time seemed right.

On these occasions, he knew Killian usually enjoyed the opportunity to spend some quiet time cuddled together on the couch, with Henry beside them, more than the movie itself but she had a feeling these particular heroes might appeal.

After all, what would be familiar about heroic deeds, smart mouths and the odd non-standard body part?

He did appear more attentive than usual as the marathon progressed. Henry fielded numerous questions about various elements of this comic book universe as Killian became further engrossed. Emma was sure she spotted him repeating a few of the wittier comebacks under his breath and she looked forward to hearing the banter between him and her father when he inevitably tried a few Tony Stark one liners on for size.

David wouldn't know what hit him!

But when the opening credits began to roll on their final movie, he shifted noticeably beside her. The long leather coat had clearly captured his attention initially, but as the bass line kicked in and the hero began dancing through the cavern, old school headphones firmly in place, he was clearly smitten. Head bobbing in time to the music, he had clearly found his Marvel hero of choice. Emma grinned, knowing the attraction was only going to grow. She could certainly see the parallels.

"Enjoying the movie, Killian?" she asked, taking his hand in hers.

"Aye, love, quite the dashing gentleman, isn't he? I am quite taken with his music box too. Far more substantial than that little thing of yours."

Emma laughed to herself at that. Of course he was.


	5. The List

**A/N: You just know Rumple had a masterlist of maritime terms while he impersonated Killian.**

CRUELLA: Oh gods, darling, have you ever seen anything like it?

URSULA: Let me read it again, please.

CRUELLA: Out loud, please, sweetie. I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

URSULA: Ahem….Pirate references. Dinghys, buried treasure, parrots – that bit is crossed out – call Belle love and lass, a pirate oath, hand on heart…

CRUELLA: Let's hope for the librarian's sake he means on her own heart.

URSULA: You just know he doesn't.

CRUELLA: Shall we add a few – you know, just to help out?

URSULA: Ahoy there?

CRUELLA: Hoist the mainsail?

URSULA: Walk the plank.

CRUELLA: The pirate does like a good sexual innuendo, darling, so that might actually be helpful.


	6. Owned

**A/N: Follow on from _Hero of Choice_**

Emma wasn't sure when Killian had shared his new favourite movie with her father. They had developed quite the friendship...bromance was the word she and Mary Margaret liked to throw around when they felt like stirring them up...and there was no doubt a manly movie marathon had been on the cards at some point.

Her father almost tipping over his barstool at The Rabbit Hole and facing down Killian, arm outstretched, over some petty disagreement was a dead giveaway.

And then came the undeniable proof.

"DANCE OFF BRO!"

Within seconds David was body rolling and attempting what looked like a moonwalk.

And Emma was torn between hiding under her stool in embarrassment and filming the lot on her phone for posterity.

(Concrete evidence was the winner...she was in law enforcement after all.)

To Killian's credit, he kept his composure. Standing quietly, he eyed his mate carefully, one eyebrow arched and the ghost of a smirk across his lips.

He let David continue. Then without a word, he knocked out a perfectly poised Running Man, never taking his eyes off his opponent.

David's face crumbled.

"Let's go, Swan. The dance off is over."

With a grin at her father, Emma took Killian's arm and they headed out into the night.


	7. The Things You Pay For Later

_**l**_**_e_**_**nfaz**____**said: **__**I need a prompt written where Granny is mean and smacks David for stabbing Hook in the AU world and fusses all over poor Killian, like "you stabbed him, DAVE!" :) (pretty please with a cherry on top)**_

In the moments after the initial confusion, there were quiet reunions happening all over Storybrooke. The dwarves gathered together, relieved to once again have a count of seven. In the diner, grandmother and granddaughter embraced, a brief truce before the obligatory banter began again. Husband and wife sighed with relief at the sight of their infant prince, sharing the momentary fear before their daughter found her pirate, alive and well.

It was inevitable that they would gather. And a business woman of the ilk of Granny Lucas was prepared.

They came in dribs and drabs at first but eventually half the town made their way to Granny's. There were awkward looks and apologetic silences, soon giving way to warm embraces and rounds of drinks. Granny made sure of that.

The Charmings were talking with Doc and Happy, apologies clearly needed to repair that relationship, when Emma and Killian entered the diner. If ever there had been an outward manifestation of the Saviour's magic it was the light that seemed to emanate from her as she smiled at the pirate. The whole diner turned to watch as the couple - and if there had ever been a question about that status, today it was answered definitively - made their way towards the Nolans, arm in arm.

_That_ awkward silence did not go unnoticed by the proprietor of the establishment. David's head hung low as Mary Margaret shuffled her feet uncomfortably, under pretence of rocking the stroller back and forth.

She would keep a wolfish ear on that interchange.

"I didn't mean to kill you," David said quietly, "But to be fair, I didn't have a heart."

"So it's my fault?" Mary Margaret replied. The rest of the conversation was lost to Granny as she turned abruptly from Leroy and strode across her diner towards the group.

Emma was making her way towards the dragon's daughter when Granny stepped up behind David and tapped him sharply on the shoulder. She stepped into their circle, one finger pointed at David's chest as his expression became one of confusion.

"Granny?" he asked. "Good to see you back to your usual non-evil self."

She pursed her lips grimly. "Don't be so sure I am."

Each of her next words was punctuated with her finger contacting the Prince's chest forcefully. "WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" She could hear Killian chuckle behind her as Mary Margaret placed a gentle hand on her arm.

"Granny, we…" Before the statement was finished, Granny whirled around to face the speaker.

"I saw _you_ in action." she hissed, "but what does the Captain mean by 'killed'?" David chewed on his bottom lip as Mary Margaret was suddenly very occupied with a peacefully sleeping baby. Killian appeared to have no qualms, however, in letting his former landlady know exactly what had happened in their unfortunate adventure.

"Sadly, milady, Dave's apparent unhappiness over my relationship with his daughter manifested itself as murderous intent in the Crocodile's imaginings and he ran me through with his blade. Quite painful it was, too." The smirk on his face verged on the ridiculous as Granny wheeled to face her old friends.

"You stabbed him? YOU STABBED HIM?" Her voice carried across the room as all eyes seemed to land on the Deputy Sheriff.

Who quickly pointed to his wife.

"She had my heart! It wasn't my idea. I would never.." His pleas fell on deaf ears as Granny turned to the pirate, eyes full of concern as she signalled to the waitress behind the counter. The tumbler of rum appeared as if by magic as the older woman peppered Killian with questions about his wellbeing. He answered in a voice that left her sending glares and derisive looks at David throughout until the prince could no longer remain silent.

"He is fine, he's not dead now, " David sulked.

"True enough, mate," Killian said, slinging an arm around Granny's shoulder. "But the fact remains, I was and I am much obliged to the Widow Lucas here for her concern. It will take me some time to forget that you stabbed me, Dave."

David sighed deeply. "And it seems it will be the same for me."


	8. No Laughing Matter

**When Colin O'Donoghue makes a stupidly awesome pirate joke, there was just no way this wasn't going to happen!**

It started innocently enough.

Henry sat over a pile of books in a booth at Granny's, his head in his hands as frustrated sighs drifted across the diner. Concerned, Killian slipped into the seat opposite, pushing a frothy milkshake across the table to the boy.

"All well, lad?" he asked. Henry looked up, brows knotted in anger. The boy gathered up several of the offending tomes and dropped them down in front of Killian with a bang.

"Here," he announced. "Take my algebra books. You're the only person I see around here with any need for finding x."

Behind them, there was a snort of laughter. "Nice one, Henry," David chuckled, sliding into the booth next to the pirate. "Just as well it's math you want him to do, though."

Henry looked curiously at his grandfather.

"Well you know that pirates have a lot of trouble with the alphabet," David continued. Killian turned slowly towards him, head cocked and eyes cautious. "They always get lost at 'c'."

It was Henry's turn to snort. The sound, and the accompanying smile on the face of Emma's boy, were a small comfort for Killian in the face of such ridicule - but he had no intention of letting David know that.

"Ah, yes, very droll, Dave. Wonderful. But we have kept Henry from his studies long enough with your attempts at humour. Best leave the lad be." Killian stood to leave, winking at the boy before taking David by the arm. Intent on the counter, he failed to notice the grin twisting his friend's face.

"Sorry about that, Henry," David said over his shoulder. "You know what they say, buddy. To err is human."

The boy didn't skip a beat. "Yeah but to ARRR is pirate."

The high five between grandfather and grandson was both heartwarming and horribly, horribly annoying. He would be the bigger man…

* * *

By the time they had gathered for the traditional mid week family dinner at Granny's, it appeared Killian's ability to be the bigger man was to be sorely tested.

Whispers and stifled giggles had accompanied him throughout the week - and that was mostly from his supposed mate, David. Several times Emma and Henry had hidden their phones from his view and even Granny had an unusual twinkle in her eye when he had collected their morning coffees.

It didn't take long to discover just what the prince had been plotting.

"What'll it be, folks?" Granny asked cheerily, pulling a pencil from the depths of her grey hair. She jotted down the orders as she went around the table, few surprises left after so many years together.

"And for you, Captain?"

"I think my usual chicken pie this evening, milady," he answered, ignoring the way Henry's eyes widened as he bit down on his lip.

"Chicken pie it is," Granny finished and headed in the direction of the kitchen.

"Granny," Henry called. "Just checking. There aren't any leeks in that pie, are there?"

The old woman turned slowly, eyes flashing in amusement. "Nope," she said. "I know they are a pirate's least favourite vegetable." She was away before Killian could react.

As the pirate turned an accusing eye to David, Mary Margaret was quick to interject. "Killian, is that a new earring?" she asked. His hand went to his ear, touching the small black stone that he had pilfered from Emma's dresser, a token of sorts, or a promise. He nodded, smiling softly at Emma.

"What did you pay for that?" David asked quickly. "A buck an ear?"

Seated beside him, Emma sucked in her breath, her face moving with what he knew was contained laughter. There was no such control from David, who chuckled openly as Mary Margaret covered her giggle with her hand. Shaking his head, Killian pointed an accusing finger at the smirking prince across the table.

"You are a rat bastard of the highest order, mate."

David's head shifted subtly towards his grandson, their eyes connecting for just a second.

"I know you ARRR but what am AYE?" David countered. Killian's eyes flashed as Henry buried his head in his arms on the table, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Mary Margaret wiped her eyes discreetly, her own shoulders unsteady as she fought to control her laughter. Under the table, Emma squeezed his leg, bumping her shoulder against him in an attempt at solidarity.

An attempt that would be, it seemed, short-lived, thanks to the innate timing of his former first mate, Smee.

"Evening, Captain, your highnesses," said the small man, shucking off his cap as he ducked his head towards Mary Margaret and David. "Sounds like you are all having a right good time."

"Sounds can be deceiving, Smee," Killian began but Emma interrupted, smiling warmly at the bearded man.

"I would love to hear about good times on the Jolly Roger someday, Mr Smee," she said, lips twitching in a sure sign of mischief. "Did you ever play cards, for example?"

There was a helpless snort of laughter from Henry, still buried in his own arms on the table and Smee frowned in confusion, obviously unaware of what was occurring around him.

"Can't say that we did, Miss," he answered, eyes darting from Emma to Killian and back again nervously.

"I suppose the Captain was always standing on the deck," she said matter of factly, her shoulders rising and falling in an unnatural steadiness Killian recognised as suppressed laughter.

Her parents, on the other hand, had no such qualms. Tears were streaming down Mary Margaret's face as David threw his head back and guffawed.

Henry had yet to emerge from his self-contained cocoon.

Killian looked around at them one by one - his love, her boy, her mother and his mate - and a rush of affection washed over him. They may have made him the object of their amusement, but it had been some time since he had been important enough to anyone to go to these lengths to do so.

Glancing across at Mr Smee, an idea formed that had the corners of his mouth twitching. His crewman looked baffled by the proceedings - and Killian suspected that would become worse before it became better. Still, sometime a sacrifice was required in the course of revenge.

"Really Swan," Killian said, looking at his love with false disapproval. "I thought you were above this petty nonsense."

He slid from the booth, shaking his head sadly as he stood next to his first mate. Emma narrowed her eyes at him, as her family watched him with interest.

"Looks like you thought wrong, buddy," she replied.

"You're not the woman I believed you to be, Swan," he drawled, glancing around her family - his family - before his eyes landed on Smee. "And you do know what Captain Hook said when he broke up with his girlfriend?"

Emma snorted with laughter, before tilting her head in a clear challenge. "No, what?"

Killian grinned and draped his arm around the shoulder of an unsuspecting Smee. "It's not you, it's Smee," he finished, planting a kiss on the cheek of the bemused pirate.

And with a mischievous wink at Henry, now laughing silently against his mother's shoulder, he led his new love in the direction of the bar.

He suspected rum would be the only way to explain this one. ..


End file.
